I’m writing to you from the library today because of an unforeseen… situation at home. Here’s the deal:
I walked into the office this morning (I call this room an office, but it’s actually just the second bedroom in our apartment where we happen to keep the bookshelf and the desktop computer. Call it what you will…) and found A LIZARD!! Guys. A lizard. In my home. I think he was technically a little skink, but still…
Obviously I bolted from the room in horror, forgetting to grab the laptop on my way out. My response to the crisis was to immediately text my husband, my mom, and my sister and then stuff a towel under the crack in the door to the office to keep him in there. (Side note: Logic tells me this wouldn’t have contained him. If he managed to wriggle into the apartment in the first place through a tiny gap somewhere, surely a towel wouldn’t be much of an impediment to him.) I also stuffed a towel under the crack in the door to our bedroom just in case. I didn’t want to risk waking up with a lizard next to my face. The camping scene from The Parent Trap from 1998 (starring Lindsay Lohan & Lindsay Lohan) is on replay in my head right now. It’s the scene where one of the Lindsay Lohans puts a lizard on her dad’s awful girlfriend’s water bottle, and when the awful girlfriend takes a sip of water, her eyes get HUGE at the sight of the lizard. Yeah, that would be me.
After a few moments of terror, I decided to go back into the office for the laptop because getting this hummus recipe out to y’all was more important to me than my own well-being. (I’m basically your knight in shining armor… knight in shining apron?) I opened the door, with my six-pound kitten behind me for protection, and crept toward the laptop bag. But there he was… the lizard. I screamed and bolted from the room a second time. Again, I did not grab the laptop.
Take three: I was ready this time. I grabbed a plastic container, gathered up all the boldness and courage I had, and stepped foot into the office once again. I spotted him and approached. I think I was doing some sort of weird, nervous tip-toe dance as I trapped him under the container. For reference, this is what the little dragon looked like:
He would have been cute outside, but he was in my house. I wasn’t okay with that.
I set some books on top of the container to hold it down until Oliver could come home and release him, but then the What if he suffocates? thoughts crept in, and I began to feel guilty. I was going to have to release him myself. I ran back to the kitchen and grabbed a thin cutting board. Why a cutting board? Well, I think that perhaps I just know how to wield kitchen tools as defense better than I know how to wield anything else, and the rolling pin and chef’s knife just seemed way too extreme. I slid that cutting board under the container, flipped it over, and calmly (just kidding, not calmly) unlocked the front door, told him he was no longer welcome as my tenant, and evicted him.
After that, I still felt a little creeped out about the apartment, so I left the cat to defend the place and headed to the library to write this for you. Could I see a lizard inside the library? Sure. But that lizard wouldn’t be my problem. Your local library has your back, people. Use it.
Sorry, y’all, but at this point I just don’t have any more words left in me to tell you about this hummus recipe I made for you.
It’s good hummus.
Garlic & Herb Hummus
- 15 0z. can of chickpeas
- up to 1/3 cup olive oil (depending on the texture you want)
- 1 tbsp lemon juice
- 1/4 cup walnuts
- 1 clove garlic, peeled
- 1 tsp coriander
- 1 tsp oregano
- 1/2 tsp thyme
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 1 tsp turmeric
- Add all ingredients to a food processor, beginning with only 3 tbsp of olive oil.
- Puree the ingredients, adding more olive oil as needed.
- Top with fresh herbs as desired. Serve with veggies, chips, or whatever you prefer.
Update: There’s a bug in this library. It just crawled into my backpack. Seriously, what is up with today?